Friday, June 09, 2006

At death's Door

The "D"(death)has always influenced me .It has creeped into my contended life and created havoc.I encountered its horrific nature when I was 13 years old..NO..I did not have a near death experience.It was much more worse ..I had a feel of death's claw because I thought it would grab away my most precious thing..NO ..not life ,my mother..It happened like this..

It was a lazy afternoon and a perfect time for a poem in my view.As the teacher read through the lines I was lost in the beauty of the words.Then came the knowledge that every poem is a purposeful attempt to get the listener/reader to experience themselves in the poet's shoes..The truth is ,it works like a charm..The poem changed the way I looked at my life for ever.The poem was an attempt to contact his dead mother.The verses were drenched in sorrow.I could hear his cries in every word.I went back home and told my mother that I never wanted her to ever leave me.I was scared if she returned late from work,that may be something would have happened to her.I tormented and tortured myself with the cruelity that life offered.
It took me 6 months to get out of the trance of misery and one gaint promise from my mother that she would never leave me. But it took me another 9 years when life bought me again at the same situation- back to square one.I did the only thing I used to do when faced with tough situations in life .. worry and run away as fast as possible.

The fear of death is the most natural fear in all of us.It is basically used to make our lives better.If you think that you have less time you would never postpone.
Coming back to the story -

When I was 14 years old my aunt died of a heart attack .What did I do ???
Run away ..ya never saw her again..thought death was a disease..may be I can inherit..told my mom to stay away too..(not that I was that dumb..but D can kill intelligence).One of my relatives who was staying with us and was 92 passed away..was close to him.What did I do???locked myself in a room and never came out for a day..Then last year when my grand mother ..who I have been closet of all too passed to another world..What did I do??locked myself, but wanted to see her for the last time.I reasoned with my mind... that I would have nightmares,will faint and go through shock because of the fear of D..but the heart won hands down.I saw her.A strange thing happened that day death changed from D to P(peace).
Sometimes when we dont learn our lessons from difficult situations they keep arising in one form or the other .Life is wants us to learn ..pain/fear and failures are the biggest teachers that anyone can have.

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