Self gratitude

I can hardly see the road I am walking on..Everything is so blurred..I feel dizzy and I think I am going to faint..This is not something new but I have been going through these self inflicted pain for a long time.I continously starve myself for long periods of time.This was few years back..when I had very low levels of self esteem and confidence.

Mostly when ever anyone of my friends has any problems or issues with their confidence..I used to be the first person to pull them out of the depths of hurt.
But I could never help myself.I could never talk myself out of the sadness.I thought I never deserved a second chance in life.I wanted life to give me all the difficulties it could give because I just gave up.
This would have been a losers attitude.But I sometimes I feel we just cant help ourselves..I used to fall sick most of the time because I did not want to deal with the unhappy situations.But I think the most important factor which
pulled me through these tough situations was forgiveness.Trying to forgive other people is actually very easy.But trying to forgive yourself is a gigantic task.
Mostly humans in these conditions develop a masochistic attitude..Even I went through that phase when I started enjoy pain..Human psychology is such that
pleasurable condition can never be changed easily.It takes a little more effort to give up the present happiness for the future dividends..